I’m willing to bet that you’re holding yourself back from doing something important to you. We often create obstacles to living the life we want in many areas:
- Personal: moving to a new city; coming out as non-binary; ending a relationship; giving up alcohol
- Professional: finishing that book you’re writing; getting a master’s or PhD; dropping out of college to pursue your dream; starting a small business
- Spiritual: converting to Christianity; leaving your parents’ fundamentalist faith; practicing Buddhism
I recently spoke about our self-limiting habits with Regina Louise, author of Permission Granted: Kickass Strategies to Bootstrap Your Way to Unconditional Self Love. Louise discovered early in life that a lack of privilege didn’t mean she had to wait for permission to pursue what she wanted in life. She emerged from the foster care system and residential treatment to create multiple successful small businesses, and now works to help others achieve their dreams.
We often act like we need others’ approval to live truer to ourselves. Five common beliefs are often behind our hesitation to go for what we want:
- Everyone has to approve of what I do.
We hand control of our lives to others when we wait for their approval. Louise has a clear message for anyone who tries to limit her potential: “I’ll see you later. And good luck with that.” She saves her energy for pushing through barriers, rather than wasting time trying to convince anyone that she’s allowed to. You only ever need your own permission to follow where life is leading you.
Regina Louise, whose life story was featured in the award-winning Lifetime movie, “I Am Somebody’s Child: The Regina Louise Story”
- I can’t open myself up to criticism.
To do anything of real value, we have to embrace the possibility that some people won’t like what we’re doing. “If a writer is so cautious that he never writes anything that can be criticized,” said Thomas Merton in New Seeds of Contemplation, “he will never write anything that can be read.” When no one finds any fault with us, we’re probably too anodyne to be of much use.
- I must not fail.
The possibility of failure often holds us back, as if failure would be the worst thing imaginable. But the only way to win is to be willing to lose. Toward the end of life, nearly everyone looks back and wishes they had taken more chances and been more willing to fail. Better to be turned back from the top of the mountain by freezing cold and snow than to always wonder if you might have made it if you’d tried.
- I have to stay in my lane.
“My lane” often means the lane we think others have assigned to us—perhaps the slow lane, the predictable lane, the don’t-expect-too-much lane. We might not want to draw attention to ourselves by trying something new, or we worry that people will assume we think we’re a “big shot” for pursuing our dream. But in reality, you get to decide what your lane is, and when it’s time to merge into a new one.
- It will be terrible if I disappoint someone.
If I hadn’t disappointed anyone with my life choices, I’d be married to the wrong person, working the wrong job, and praying to a God I don’t believe in. That would be a very disappointing life. No one knows what you need better than you do. No one else has to live your life. Only you have to wake up in the morning and face your day, and sleep at night with the choices you’ve made.
Keep in mind that permission isn’t the same as counsel. We can be open to others’ wisdom and perspective, without giving up our power.
Truth is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and no less so with ourselves. When we live the life we’re meant for, we honor what’s true for us. What step could you take today that would lead you toward the fullest expression of who you are?
The full conversation with Regina Louise is available here: “Finding the Strength and the Will to Live Life on Your Own Terms.”
