My guests this week are Pat and Tammy McLeod. They shared about their family’s experience of loss and healing, which they describe in their book Hit Hard: One Family’s Journey of Letting Go of What Was—and Learning to Live Well with What Is (affiliate link). You’ll hear them describe in this episode the traumatic brain injury that nearly killed their son when he was sixteen years old, and dramatically changed his life, and his family’s. We discussed the pain of ambiguous loss: when we have a loved one on one level, but don’t have them on another. And we talked about where Pat and Tammy find hope and comfort. I know you’ll take a lot from this discussion, as they describe the many challenges they’ve been through, and the strength they’ve found to meet every one.

Other topics we explored included:

• The brain injury that Zach McLeod experienced that led to my guests’ writing this book
• The profound changes in Zach following his injury
• Zach’s charisma, empathy, and infectious joy
• The toll that Zach’s injury took on the McLeod family
• Ambiguous loss, and the relief in having this label for one’s experience
  • For more information, see this book by Pauline Boss (affiliate link).
• Living well with both having and not having our loved one
• Splitting the ambivalence in relationships
• The difficulty in dealing with pain—our own and others’
• The role of some forms of masculinity in getting in the way of grief
• Getting couple’s therapy
• The hope that Pat and Tammy offer to other couples who experience loss
• The intense emotional release Pat experienced
• Biblical scriptures that have been a comfort to the McLeods
  • Psalm 34
  • Psalm 18
  • When Jesus wept at the tomb of his friend Lazarus
• Deciding to grieve only current losses, not those in the future
• Focusing on what is being asked of us in any given moment
• Tammy’s realization that “it will be okay if I don’t get what I want”
• Zach’s transcendent joy and communion with God
• The prophetic moments in the McLeods’ journey
• Finding a bigger story that gives us hope and helps us make sense of our experience

Pat and Tammy McLeod serve as Harvard Chaplains for Cru, an interdenominational Christian ministry, and are certified instructors for Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc.

Tammy is also the director of College Ministry at Park Street Church in Boston. She received her master’s in spiritual formation from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary.

Pat holds a master’s in theological studies from the International School of Theology and a master’s in science and religion, as well as a PhD in practical theology, from Boston University.

They are founding members of the Mamelodi Initiative in South Africa, which connects Harvard students with at-risk youth in a mentoring and educational program to prepare them for college.

Pat and Tammy have been married for more than three decades, and are parents to four grown children. They recently started COVID-19 Conversations on their website to help others find resilience in the face of ambiguous loss.

Find the McLeods online at their website.